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Mental Regression, Or Are These Folks
Just Rednecks?
By Carla Sperber
I always thought that when you get
older you get wiser. To me, that seemed like the one consolation to
getting older. The one golden egg amongst all the many bad eggs in the
“old age” basket that could possibly encourage a person forge ahead
and accept the aging process.
 As
I watch my in-laws, I am continuously taunted by the possibility
that I may be dreadfully wrong!
It seems the more I observe their daily choices and routine, listen to
their conversations, and hear of their problem solving abilities, the
more I am loosing my last shreds of hope that great intelligence based
on a lifetime of experience is the golden reward of old age. Let me
tell a little tale to expound on this possible theory.
My mother-in-law recently underwent a
tendon attachment surgery in her foot, where-by she is simply required
to keep her weight off the injured foot for a period of time to allow
it to heal, (much like you would do for a foot break or strain.) She
was given plenty of advance warning of the surgery so that she had
plenty of time to PRACTICE using crutches. Instead of doing so, she
chose to use a wheel chair for her entire healing process; crutches
take too much effort. However, wheel chairs do not work well on
carpet. To solve this dilemma, my father-in-law laid down SBC boards
over the carpet in their entire house. A strange solution, and seems
much more difficult than encouraging the wife to use crutches.
 As
long as I have known my mother-in-law, she has relished the ACT of
sitting, plopping, or curling up in a chair or couch in a room that is
much too warm. It is her favorite thing to do in life, her hobby. She
should have been a cat. Anyway, now (despite the quick healing, and
the absence of pain in the operated foot) she remains in a wheel
chair, or firmly glued to the couch. I get the feeling that she is
more than delighted to have a Doctor’s excuse to do her favorite
thing, to sit! And for the first time in her life she seems pleased
that she doesn’t have to justify it.
The whole problem with what she is
doing (aside from laziness not being good for her physical health) is
that my father-in-law is not exactly......shall I say, the best
decision maker in the household without her constant supervision.
This story unfolds a few weeks after
the foot surgery takes place. My in-law’s septic system backs up to
the point that the sinks and tub will not drain and their only toilet
will not flush. Not looking like a good scenario with an elective
invalid in the house? Now, the use of water, and a toilet is
absolutely paramount in my book. If I did not know what the problem
was, there wouldn’t have been a second’s delay in calling a septic
system professional to take care of my problem immediately! But
instead my 72 year old father-in-law (with NO septic system
experience, but much life experience) decides to solve the problem
himself. My mother-in-law, wheel chair/couch bound, nose in a book,
allows him to handle this task on his own.
So he goes outside, digs up the main
pipe to the toilet, gets a hose, turns the water on full blast and
sticks the hose into the main pipe to the toilet. Nobody is in the
bathroom to witness the tremendous “wave of raw crap” being promptly
and thoroughly flushed into the bathroom at high speed. It takes him
enough time to figure out that the water from the hose must be going
somewhere that he completely fills the bathroom and the hall with raw
sewer. My mother-in-law must have had her nose operated on also,
because she continues to read her book not 15 feet from the bathroom,
curled up on the couch.... ......doctors orders you know! My
father-in-law decides to shut off the hose and go see where all that
water went. Needless to say, he spent a lovely afternoon scooping
buckets of icky poo out of the bathroom, and hopefully white washing
it with disinfectant! After cleaning up a mistake like that, would you
then call a septic professional? No, not this wise man. He decides
that he will spend weeks trying to fix what ever the problem is. Mean
while, they are quite comfortable taking sponge baths, and they must
dump their kitchen water outside. They can’t use the toilet, so he
goes outside, or to the neighbor’s house, and she uses a bed pan on
the couch FOR WEEKS, and has no problem with that! I frankly think it
all fits nicely into her plans to stay immobile on the couch as much
as possible.
Weeks later, my father-in-law figures
out how to get the toilet to flush but the tub still will not drain,
so taking sponge baths remains the order of the day.
Please tell me, is this kind of mental
regression the reward of old age? I am just so glad that we have not
visited them since this all happened. I will continue to extend the
distance between us until they at least both get a proper shower. Ugh! |
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THE NATIONAL TRANSPORTATION SAFETY BOARD RECENTLY DIVULGED IT HAD COVERTLY
FUNDED A PROJECT WITH THE US AUTO MAKERS FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, WHEREBY
THE AUTO MAKERS WERE INSTALLING BLACK BOXES IN FOUR-WHEEL SUV'S AND
PICK-UP'S IN A EFFORT TO DETERMINE, IN FATAL ACCIDENTS, THE CIRCUMSTANCES IN
THE LAST 15 SECONDS BEFORE THE CRASH. THEY WERE SURPRISED TO FIND IN 44 OF
THE 50 STATES THE LAST WORDS OF DRIVERS IN 61.2% OF FATAL CRASHES WERE "OH,
SHIT!"
ONLY THE STATES OF GEORGIA, INDIANA, OKLAHOMA, MISSISSIPPI, ARKANSAS,
KENTUCKY AND WEST VIRGINIA WERE DIFFERENT. HERE OVER 89.3% OF THE FINAL
WORDS WERE, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!" |
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