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Mental Regression, Or Are These Folks Just Rednecks?

By Carla Sperber

I always thought that when you get older you get wiser. To me, that seemed like the one consolation to getting older. The one golden egg amongst all the many bad eggs in the “old age” basket that could possibly encourage a person forge ahead and accept the aging process.

As I watch my in-laws, I am continuously taunted by the possibility that I may be dreadfully wrong! It seems the more I observe their daily choices and routine, listen to their conversations, and hear of their problem solving abilities, the more I am loosing my last shreds of hope that great intelligence based on a lifetime of experience is the golden reward of old age. Let me tell a little tale to expound on this possible theory.

My mother-in-law recently underwent a tendon attachment surgery in her foot, where-by she is simply required to keep her weight off the injured foot for a period of time to allow it to heal, (much like you would do for a foot break or strain.) She was given plenty of advance warning of the surgery so that she had plenty of time to PRACTICE using crutches. Instead of doing so, she chose to use a wheel chair for her entire healing process; crutches take too much effort. However, wheel chairs do not work well on carpet. To solve this dilemma, my father-in-law laid down SBC boards over the carpet in their entire house. A strange solution, and seems much more difficult than encouraging the wife to use crutches.

As long as I have known my mother-in-law, she has relished the ACT of sitting, plopping, or curling up in a chair or couch in a room that is much too warm. It is her favorite thing to do in life, her hobby. She should have been a cat. Anyway, now (despite the quick healing, and the absence of  pain in the operated foot) she remains in a wheel chair, or firmly glued to the couch.  I get the feeling that she is more than delighted to have a Doctor’s excuse to do her favorite thing, to sit! And for the first time in her life she seems pleased that she doesn’t have to justify it.

The whole problem with what she is doing (aside from laziness not being good for her physical health) is that my father-in-law is not exactly......shall I say, the best decision maker in the household without her constant supervision.

This story unfolds a few weeks after the foot surgery takes place. My in-law’s septic system backs up to the point that the sinks and tub will not drain and their only toilet will not flush. Not looking like a good scenario with an elective invalid in the house? Now, the use of water, and a toilet is absolutely paramount in my book. If I did not know what the problem was, there wouldn’t have been a second’s delay in calling a septic system professional to take care of my problem immediately! But instead my 72 year old father-in-law (with NO septic system experience, but much life experience) decides to solve the problem himself. My mother-in-law, wheel chair/couch bound, nose in a book, allows him to handle this task on his own.

So he goes outside, digs up the main pipe to the toilet, gets a hose, turns the water on full blast and sticks the hose into the main pipe to the toilet. Nobody is in the bathroom to witness the tremendous “wave of raw crap” being promptly and thoroughly flushed into the bathroom at high speed. It takes him enough time to figure out that the water from the hose must be going somewhere that he completely fills the bathroom and the hall with raw sewer. My mother-in-law must have had her nose operated on also, because she continues to read her book not 15 feet from the bathroom, curled up on the couch.... ......doctors orders you know! My father-in-law decides to shut off the hose and go see where all that water went. Needless to say, he spent a lovely afternoon scooping buckets of icky poo out of the bathroom, and hopefully white washing it with disinfectant! After cleaning up a mistake like that, would you then call a septic professional? No, not this wise man. He decides that he will spend weeks trying to fix what ever the problem is. Mean while, they are quite comfortable taking sponge baths, and they must dump their kitchen water outside. They can’t use the toilet, so he goes outside, or to the neighbor’s house, and she uses a bed pan on the couch FOR WEEKS, and has no problem with that! I frankly think it all fits nicely into her plans to stay immobile on the couch as much as possible.

Weeks later, my father-in-law figures out how to get the toilet to flush but the tub still will not drain, so taking sponge baths remains the order of the day.

Please tell me, is this kind of mental regression the reward of old age? I am just so glad that we have not visited them since this all happened. I will continue to extend the distance between us until they at least both get a proper shower. Ugh!

Ranger's Rednecks Checklist:

The following list is to check to see if you qualify as a "Ranger Reckneck".  If you say yes to 90 percent of the list below.  You can be a Ranger Redneck Member!

• Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
• You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
• If your go to Hallmark to but a network card for your computer.
• You only help organizations that invite you to their potlucks
• You go hunting, hoping you do not shoot a Deer, knowing how much work is involved.
• You expose you kids to the great outdoors so you can justify buying them cheap cotton clothes for school.
• You live on a dirt road to explain to people why you never wash your truck.
• Pizza is your only source of food.
• You wear a hat to avoid combing your hair, or you just ain't got any.
• You constantly barter for everything possible.
• You friends never wear nice clothes to your house since your dogs attack them with dog fur.
• You cat eats at the table.
• Hot tubing is always quality time.
• Your bellyboat is your best friend.
• Road Kill is always a source of Fly Tying material.
• You either have animal, outdoor pictures or dead animals on every wall of your house.
• Your friends really notice you when you dress up.
• Your best investment is your camping trailer.
• Coffee is a necessity.
• Candy in the house is a must.
• Christmas is always a good excuse for more outdoor toys.
• All your friends feel burping in your house is okay.
• You avoid property that has a lot of grass to cut.

Rangerrob

ranger@rangerrob.com

THE NATIONAL TRANSPORTATION SAFETY BOARD RECENTLY DIVULGED IT HAD COVERTLY
FUNDED A PROJECT  WITH THE US AUTO MAKERS FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS, WHEREBY
THE AUTO MAKERS WERE INSTALLING BLACK BOXES IN FOUR-WHEEL SUV'S AND
PICK-UP'S IN A EFFORT TO DETERMINE, IN FATAL ACCIDENTS, THE CIRCUMSTANCES IN
THE LAST 15 SECONDS BEFORE THE CRASH. THEY WERE SURPRISED TO FIND IN 44 OF
THE 50 STATES THE LAST WORDS OF DRIVERS IN 61.2% OF FATAL CRASHES WERE "OH,
SHIT!"

ONLY THE STATES OF GEORGIA, INDIANA, OKLAHOMA, MISSISSIPPI, ARKANSAS,
KENTUCKY AND WEST VIRGINIA WERE DIFFERENT. HERE OVER 89.3% OF THE FINAL
WORDS WERE, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"

Subject: Poor Billy-Bob